Is There Shuffleboard in Heaven?
Lyrics by David Cameron Anderson, Davecamson Music ASCAP
Music by Elizabeth Doyle, ElizabethDoyleMusic ASCAP

Late night TV offers psychics and such
Who can contact our loved ones who miss us so much
that they'll drop what their doing up there on a cloud
in the hopes that John EdwardÊ picks us from the crowd
and just when it seems death's a nut we can crack
good old John says they're pulling their energy back
not until they have offered up memories to share
but before we can ask them,Ê "So, what's it like there?"

I wonder is there shuffleboard in heaven?
And if there's not what's on the list of things to do?
I imagine Sunday services and choirs
But what happens when the service is all through?

Does everyone convene to eat some donuts?
And then chat about the week that lies ahead
Or are they totally preoccupied with loved ones
who've been absent from their lives since they've been dead

When they watch us from above is there a peephole
Or do they have a special screen that they look through?
Does it cost them to get glimpses of their family
Do they close their eyes when we are in the loo?

Are there jobs and if there are how long's the work week?
Since the jerks are all in hell who is the boss?
Are there benefits up there for kissing hiney?
or are the brown nosers completely at a loss?

If you were married seven times who gets to have you
Do you get them in the order of their birth?
Or if you're all together there then what's the problem
Shacking up with more than one right here on earth?

and how 'bout nuns who fin'lly get to meet their husband
I'd have to question if it's truly wedded bliss
if you count up all the nuns there've been in history
they'd have to wait in line to get one lousy kiss!

And what about the folks who went to Hades?
Are they required to watch us fixing up their mess?
It seems to me quite odd to put the perverts
where it's cake to look up everybody's dress

Oh, please Mr. Edward if you hear from my folks
I already know all their stories and jokes
What I'd like them to tell me is after we die
Is there school? is there work? is there sex? is there pie?